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Tuesday, 5 December 2017

What now? Life post thesis

Photo by Chris Karidis on Unsplash
Life post thesis is so so strange. I don't know what to do with myself...and there's no guide book for what to do. Why can't life come with a guide?

So it's been about 5 weeks since submission, and it's actually only really now sinking in that I have submitted. My MA is done...and life without it is so strange. This has been a significant part of my life for so long - almost three years. There was the year spent figuring out which way to go, then the diploma year, which was get it all going and this year.

That's years of everything I do or don't do being directly related to thesis progress. Years where a part of my self has been defined by what I'm working on, how to understand it, how to fund it...literally every single thing has tied back to it.

And now it's gone...and I just don't know what to do with myself. Enjoy the free time is quite often something I get told, but how do I enjoy the free time. It seems endless, it seems meaningless without it being free time from something.

I don't know how to enjoy free time properly anymore. Actually is there such a thing? I mean I could work on that fitness journey thing...but folks, it just isn't clicking as the right thing for me right now. 

The slowing down of the year isn't helping much either. Immediately post submission was the get PhD plans going push...and the expansion of my idea is now sitting with potential supervisors. I'm waiting on some feedback before submitting applications. I'm waiting for thesis feedback before even trying to figure out article writing/submissions.

It just feels like a massive cycle of wait, wait and wait some more. Why does no one warn you about this? It's ridiculous how you're just supposed to cope and adjust from this all encompassing, intensive stress filled driven life to...nothing. 

It's all just nothing. Nothing and waiting...made worse by your actual capacity to really handle anything at a low. There is barely anything in the well of spoons...so the wanting to do something is hampered by the inability to do as well. 

I wonder if this is just another part of what drives us all to endlessly consume, consume, consume...an inability to find the right way to replenish ourselves. To be our self. To just be. That is another question as well, why are we so uncomfortable with just being...and not having plans?

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