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Thursday, 2 April 2015

Ramble

I was chatting with a friend about feeling bleh, and making all the wrong food decisions. And she told me something that just hit me in all the feelings. She said that at this stage of his life Keiden thinks I'm perfect just the way I am, and that the first person he's going to learn from that I am anything less than perfect just the way I am, is me. Yip, let that one sink in for a moment or two. Scary, right?

This feeling less than though, is something I'm sure a lot of women deal with. Like I mentioned in another post, I see it as a form of imposter syndrome. We're just so sure that we're not good enough. And I know I worry about being found to be the less than that I see myself as. It's all quite messed up, how self destructive we are. I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself. This policing of self, especially in our appearance is just one more example of how patriarchy messes with everyone because. Just imagine if all this mental energy was actually used on something constructive...it would be a completely different world.

When walking around town, I find myself wanting to just grab the students and tell them: "You'll never have as flat a tummy a you have no. You are not fat, stop wasting energy on it, and go do all the things." And then I remember when I was 19 - 22 I would not listen to a crazy lady wearing her kid, if she did that to me.

Speaking of students, it seems I'm on track to getting back to being one of those. The course work MA I wanted to do isn't on offer though. So it'll have to be a full thesis, and let me make it clear...it's freaking intimidating getting back on the academic bandwagon. So I have an idea for a topic, which I was so worried would't be good enough that I went to go see someone in the department to chat about it. I didn't get laughed at, so now I need to clarify my thoughts, and start the application process. 

The process starts with you sending the course co-ordinator a page detailing what you would be doing. Then at a meeting where they discuss MA candidates they decide if they'll take you. Once that's done you do the paperwork of an application to the university proper. The next bout of decisions is at the end of April, so I have time to finesse my page, and then freak ;)

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Me in a nutshell: I game, read, tweet, enjoy good food, have bouts of red pen rage and I'm a coffee snob.

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