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Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Thoughts

I'm feeling buried under parenthood. I've become very worried about those developmental stuff, and knowing great babies (especially baby girls) hasn't helped. Which is sad for both Keiden and I. He doesn't need his mom comparing him to other kids already. And for me it's just pointing out how little I have that's mine.*

Nothing makes this more clear than when we're with friends doing what we did before Keiden - gaming, just hanging out, the usual.** My focus is laser pointed on him, how he's doing, what he's doing that it feels like I might as well not be there with other people. I'm not disputing that he shouldn't have my attention, but at what point do I get to find me again?

A friend says that we're always mommy first. I look at it differently; we're ourselves first - it's just that mommy is a big part of it.

I think that having a child does something very similar to your sense of self that finding your person does. It changes who you were to something new, changes your focus. And it's finding the balance that is tricky.

* It has though been pointed out to me that I do over think a lot. And I tend towards very heavy self criticism, so I'm quite possibly blowing this all out of per portion. But if I am then that in of itself points out my lack of me things even more.

**They all have stories, I have as well, but they're all baby focused. Save for recently when Jerall was on leave and I got to play some Dragon Age: Inquisition. Talking about story and character choices for awhile was great.


  2 comments:

  1. Good luck getting things worked into a manageable form. Nothing changes a life like adding a child to it. All the best and happy new year.

    ReplyDelete

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