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Tuesday, 7 October 2014

I really, really hate sucking it up

About a month or so ago Keiden and I had hit a really good spot. Sure he was still waking up once a night, but it easy enough to deal with. Especially because we'd hit a workable routine, some days were still bad, but for the most part we had good days more often than not.

And then, I started to panic that I was overfeeding him/doing something wrong. Which was brought on by chats with other moms. And yes, I know you're not supposed to compare your baby to others. You show me someone who doesn't do this, and I'll show you a liar.

You do compare, just by chatting and keeping up with other parents you are comparing. For the most part it helps you have some sort of base for knowing if what you're doing is a reasonably good thing. But then you have moments where it really sucker punches you.

I got sucker punched hard.

So then I got all panicked about things. I work really well when I have a base set of rules and information to work with. A guide, that allows for me to go off and do my own thing, with the assurance that I have a baseline to return to. So for that reason I felt like I really hit my mommy groove with solids. Which made my worry about overfeeding Keiden this massive thing.

So last week we went to clinic. At which I got told that Keiden should be eating more, but because he's getting milk feeds in between meals he doesn't get hungry. And that that, and the process of teething are probably reasons why he isn't sleeping though. So that plus the paed saying at our six month visit that by nine months he should be down to four feeds I stopped breastfeeding him to sleep at nap time.

It has been a week of awful. The bedtime battles we were having before escalated, and nap time became an hour to an hour and a half fight that ended with him crying himself to sleep in my arms. And this because I was working with a guide.

Mandy has this great post about finding her mommy instinct. I'm not there. It's hard for me to not to have a base set of rules inform about 80% of what I'm doing. So now to add to my suck it up list this this jealousy of how she found her groove.

This is the thing, there is no way out of this dark hole I'm finding myself in other than sucking it up. And I really, really hate sucking it up. But I need to. Because all this fighting with Keiden is really turning each day into a massive struggle just to get through it.

I'm now so jealous of moms who work at an office. Working at home, with baby is just unbelievably hard. I would so love to have the clear delineation between work time, and doing stuff with my kid time.

It all jut boils down to being tired. I'm so tired of being the one with him all the time. Doing everything for him. There are two things I really need;  none of which I'll get. One a day just to sit and do nothing for anyone else. And the second, a good cry. Which requires that day because I get my best cathartic cries from watching the first two seasons of Greys Anatomy.

Now time to suck it up.

  6 comments:

  1. Great post. One thing that might help you work within your framework of enjoying a ground set of rules to start from: you can pretty much find a set of "base rules" to support ANYTHING - so if your instinct tells you that Kei is absolutely 100% fine being breastfed to sleep/breastfed as his main source of nutrition for now, but you'd like something beyond that instinct to confirm it, then you WILL find the rules (and a paediatrician, and a clinic sister) that back them up those gut feelings. I mean, I'm sure scientists and researchers would weep at what I'm suggesting, making your conclusion and then finding the research to back that up, but hey, since when are babies science projects?

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  2. I totally know what you are going through. I was there with Kyla for what felt like forever. if you think he still needs the feeds before nap time I would totally keep going! He is not overweight so you are not doing anything wrong!

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    1. It does feel like forever. But you give me hope that it will end.

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  3. I was reading all the tweets yesterday, and I wanted to jump in but held my tongue. I am a firm believer of "do what works for you and your baby". That said I too am a person who likes to have a guideline to follow and used the guidelines given by doc's and nursing sisters and other mom's as my benchmark for if things were going to "plan" especially with Kade. As a first time mom it takes while to learn to trust your instincts and to take the guidelines and make them work for you and your baby. And I used to find that as soon as I thought I had it under control Kade would change things up and it would all go for a ball of shyte again...

    What I am trying to say is this - you are the best mother for Keiden. You know what you're doing, even if this means you use advise/guidelines etc as your benchmark. This WILL pass and you will soon be lamenting NEW challenges.

    Cut yourself some slack Cass, you're doing the best you know how.

    xxx

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    1. Thanks lady. I think its just because I feel like by now I should be all "I'll follow my instincts" and I'm not.

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