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Sunday, 4 May 2014

That overarching feeling

Going into this I thought I'd prepared myself well. I knew there'd be little to no sleep, I knew it'd be hard...but somehow in all the reading of mom blogs I'd missed the guilt part. I've felt like I've left Keiden down from day one.

It was my body that had the calcifying placenta that meant he needed out sooner. It was my body that had bad nipples that meant he didn't get lots of colostrum and had formula. It was my inability to say no let me keep on trying, that let me let a night nurse bully me into giving him formula. So naturally that post hospital discharge weight losse was my fault - it wouldn't have happened if we didn't go from formula to breast. He had nappy rash at seven weeks so clearly I messed up again.

And now, he's had a slight rash on his torso since Monday which I thought could be heat rash because we were using a very warm blanket, but it hasn't gone away - so again I screwed up. Added to that on Wednesday I felt to hard lumps near his right underarm - something I should have noticed sooner. We're seeing the paed tomorrow, but it should've been sooner.

Worse than all of that is the realisation that I'm afraid to be alone with him for longer than a work day. Jerall has to leave on a work trip on Tuesday. I've said that I want us to go stay with my aunt while he's gone because with my license-less state (another mommy failure) I couldn't take Keiden to the doc if there's an emergency. But, I've realised it's because for the entire length of Jerall's trip I wouldn't get a break, there'd only be me for everything all the time. I had no idea how much I needed the break that came from Jerall handling bath and bedtime. It feels wrong that I think I couldn't cope with Keiden on my own for 10 days, but there it is.

Somehow I seem to not do anything, but let him down. I'm the only one who can't get him to fall asleep in the bed during the day. I need to use the wrap. How do other mommies do it? Seriously, how do you do it? Please tell me. And why is it that guys don't seem to feel any of this?

  1 comment:

  1. oh honey, don't do this to yourself. Dont play the blame game on yourself. I also know its easier said than done. We are the masters of guilt us moms. Fact is it takes some time to learn how to balance it all, how to find our groove. You will get there. I promise!

    xx

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