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Tuesday, 23 November 2010

I am my own worst enemy

So J's been grump lately and yesterday he finally let me know why. It was because we hadn't achieved anything this year, he basically feels like we just existed this year. Thinking about it, it's true and a lot of the non achievement is my fault. When I started looking into the moving to Canada stuff, there was a minor bump and I stopped working on it, same goes for the starting our own business plans. I got into the research, we realised how much it would take and then I dropped the ball. Clearly that chat made me feel rather crappy, cos I had let us down. Just to be clear that was not J's intent at all.

The sharing free for all finally got me to tell him stuff that I've kept from him and friends for months. I'm jealous of him getting to go to work every day. The 14 months of job hunting and rejection after rejection is taking a big emotional toll on me. My usual way of dealing with the shitty, non happy/cheerful emotions - burying them under the happy/cheerful Cassey cover isn't working anymore. I know it's not working because anything remotely sad starts me tearing up in an instant. Some days just getting up and getting dressed feels like a big deal, but I don't let anyone know because the voice at the back of my mind keeps on telling me that no one likes a sad person, they just wanna hang out with happy people. I know that, that voice is a disservice to J and my friends, but it's hard to ignore that voice. Basically my plan was be sad during the day, but don't tell anyone when you chat to them, and be damn sure to not show J when he gets home.

So that's been going on, but I'm going to change it. I'm working on getting better at self motivating and being more open about stuff.

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Me in a nutshell: I game, read, tweet, enjoy good food, have bouts of red pen rage and I'm a coffee snob.

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