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Monday, 2 August 2010

Ramblings

So today has been a rather beh/meh day. Although on the plus side it's a 3 day working week, but I'll be unemployed again once we get back from Cape Town, so that's not to cool. This thing with my mother has turned me into even more of an emotional creature. There are all these thoughts that keep on playing in my head, was it the right time to do it, can i maintain it [I've tried before, but not successfully], how do I move on from this. Then there is the judgement, which hurts more than I thought it would.

I've been told to not live in the past, that I should be ashamed of myself, looked at oddly when I've told about this decision; and all by people who knew what was going on. The you should be ashamed of yourself is staying with me the longest, probably because of the source, my cousin.
She has been like my older sister, but has also seen what trying to deal with my mother has done to me/shaped me.

There are comments from my mother that I still can't shake, like " Your friends aren't your friends. They're smart people who don't want to be smart all the time, so they spend time with you." It has been the biggest thing adding to my low value of my intelligence, and constant insecurity around people liking me. I know that I come across as friendly, and unfazed by things [well to people in real life who don't read my blog ;) ] but it is something I work at all the time. The positive that has come from that horrid remark is that I'm always trying to learn about something new and interesting, but then again it's because no one wants to be friends with the stupid, uninteresting girl. I know logically that that's not true of me, but I just can't shake that kernel of doubt.

Then to add to all the emotions going on already, there are all these people having babies. And while I'm so excited for them and their new adventures it just makes me feel less than, that I can't get pregnant accidentally. I sometimes wish I hadn't noticed that something was off with my body and found out why, it would have made our plan of waiting so much easier to go along with at moments of these.

Anyhow enough of the feeling sorry for myself, but it is good to get it out. Happy thought Cape Town soon.
:)

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Me in a nutshell: I game, read, tweet, enjoy good food, have bouts of red pen rage and I'm a coffee snob.

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