Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I really, really hate sucking it up

About a month or so ago Keiden and I had hit a really good spot. Sure he was still waking up once a night, but it easy enough to deal with. Especially because we'd hit a workable routine, some days were still bad, but for the most part we had good days more often than not.

And then, I started to panic that I was overfeeding him/doing something wrong. Which was brought on by chats with other moms. And yes, I know you're not supposed to compare your baby to others. You show me someone who doesn't do this, and I'll show you a liar.

You do compare, just by chatting and keeping up with other parents you are comparing. For the most part it helps you have some sort of base for knowing if what you're doing is a reasonably good thing. But then you have moments where it really sucker punches you.

I got sucker punched hard.

So then I got all panicked about things. I work really well when I have a base set of rules and information to work with. A guide, that allows for me to go off and do my own thing, with the assurance that I have a baseline to return to. So for that reason I felt like I really hit my mommy groove with solids. Which made my worry about overfeeding Keiden this massive thing.

So last week we went to clinic. At which I got told that Keiden should be eating more, but because he's getting milk feeds in between meals he doesn't get hungry. And that that, and the process of teething are probably reasons why he isn't sleeping though. So that plus the paed saying at our six month visit that by nine months he should be down to four feeds I stopped breastfeeding him to sleep at nap time.

It has been a week of awful. The bedtime battles we were having before escalated, and nap time became an hour to an hour and a half fight that ended with him crying himself to sleep in my arms. And this because I was working with a guide.

Mandy has this great post about finding her mommy instinct. I'm not there. It's hard for me to not to have a base set of rules inform about 80% of what I'm doing. So now to add to my suck it up list this this jealousy of how she found her groove.

This is the thing, there is no way out of this dark hole I'm finding myself in other than sucking it up. And I really, really hate sucking it up. But I need to. Because all this fighting with Keiden is really turning each day into a massive struggle just to get through it.

I'm now so jealous of moms who work at an office. Working at home, with baby is just unbelievably hard. I would so love to have the clear delineation between work time, and doing stuff with my kid time.

It all jut boils down to being tired. I'm so tired of being the one with him all the time. Doing everything for him. There are two things I really need;  none of which I'll get. One a day just to sit and do nothing for anyone else. And the second, a good cry. Which requires that day because I get my best cathartic cries from watching the first two seasons of Greys Anatomy.

Now time to suck it up.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

An update


  • I'm rereading The Bridgerton Series. Sometimes you just need light, fluffy and funny.
  • Keiden is full of beans. He's bum shuffling/hopping to the edge of his foam puzzle play area and then starts pulling it apart.
  • We're looking at buying a place.
  • Solids has gotten a lot easier now that Keiden is eating more, sometimes we even have the same lunch :). Although he had a reaction to aubergine...so we need to figure out a plan. The reaction has made me worry more when introducing him to new foods.
  • It is amazing watching him have new things. So far he tends to like most of what he's had, but his favourites are tuna and cheese. He tries to stuff two sticks of cheese in his mouth at the same time.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Five for Friday


  • It's so disappointing when the ending of a book series just doesn't deliver on all the promise it had in the first book. I've recently finished the Divergent trilogy, and am just utterly disappointed in the ending. Up until the last few chapters I was enjoying it, but then there were signs of 'bad end' appearing. It makes the sleep I gave up to read it seem wasted :'(.
  • Separation anxiety is kicking my ass.
  • Jerall has been on a work trip since Wednesday, and it's just been me with Keiden. It's gone well. He's also leaving on another trip on Sunday for a week, and Keiden and I are just staying home alone. I'm not freaked out by it, unlike the last time. I do however miss the hour of sleep I'd get in the morning when Jerall did baby stuff.
  • My usual birthday angst is hitting earlier than every - I'll be 30 in just over four months. I'm determined to do something to feel at least a little happier with myself.
  • We've had a bad month in terms of eating well. This time though, unlike other times, I'm not going to let it spiral back into crazy. I'm just going to restart.

Friday, August 22, 2014

A day

Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had. Here is a typical weekday.

  • Wake at 02:00, K is niggly, feed and settle him back to sleep. This can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. Also teething has thrown a wrench at us, and now he's waking just before midnight before this :-/
  • Wake at 04:30, more niggly K and settle.
  • Wake at 06:30, breakfast feed for K
  • Wake at 07:00, J's alarm goes off, he takes K for a bit.
  • Get up about 07:30ish, doing morning stuff before J leaves for work. On days where it's been a very bad night, I get to sleep till J leaves. Sure it makes going to the bathroom tricky, but sleep wins.
  • 08:00 and 09:00 make and feed K his solids breakfast. I do sometimes make a batch of his meals that's big enough to freeze a few portions, but because it's important to me to have him try something new every week, I can't always make and freeze ahead. Generally, this time of the morning K is pretty content to play with himself for a few minutes, so I let him. If it's a good day do some laundry.
  • 09:00 and 10:00 bf, change nappy and try to get him to nap. Try to hang laundry - if it' not too windy I put him in his bouncy chair and he stares at the trees.
  • 10:00 and 11:00 if K is napping bonus thing go faster. If he's not it's one handed breakfast making, and play. Playing always involves some form of tummy time - he hates it, but it must be done - and then variations of reading, stacking games, flying games, some dancing around and tickles :). Last attempt at hanging laundry.
  • 11:00 and 12:00 nappy change, play with K and start making his lunch
  • 12:00 and 13:00 feed K his lunch, try to get him to drink some water, entertain him.
  • 13:00 - 14:00 nappy change, bf and attempt at getting him to nap.
  • 14:00 - 15:00 lunch for me. If K is napping more e-mail and work attempts.
  • 15:00 - 16:00 nappy change, more playing. Maybe take a walk if the weather is good or we didn't go earlier. Or if I'm very lucky, he's sleeping and I can have a minute or so to myself to just arb.
  • 16:00 - 17:00 wake him at 16:00 if he's sleeping, get his supper ready, play. Maybe do dishes.
  • 17:00 - 18:00 feed him his supper, do dishes, try to waylay a cranky tired meltdown, bf.
  • 18:00 - 19:00 J gets home. I help with bath stuff, we chat. I sort out bed stuff for K and his night bottle, clean up post bath mess. Start dinner. If J is working late then I do it all.
  • 19:00 - 20:00 make dinner, have a minute to myself. Chat with J. Maybe watch something while having dinner.
  • 20:00 - 21:00 possibly watching another episode of something. If not start work.
  • 21:00 - 23:00 work
  • 23:00 onwards shower and sleep
  • 02:00, it all starts again
While breastfeeding I manage to do some chatting via hangouts/twitter/whatsapp. Also use that time to check twitter, read blogs etc. So the work thing became consistent from the start of this month, but since K was about 3 months or so I have had some form of work or the other - editing and other things.It's only recently that it became set.

Weekends are very different. J is a my hero, he'll let me sleep in for an hour or so, he and K have lot of giggles and raspberry blowing competitions. But we do make a point of being out and about, and are usually out of the house by 10:00. It gets very busy, but it helps me a lot.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Five for Friday

Another pic of Keiden, because...well because ;).

  • Something I read often in mom articles is the not getting to shower, and I don't understand that. Why not shower at night? It's tricky in the morning, so at night is best. And when? Well how about when your baby goes to sleep? Just my two cents.
  • I've realised that just as I have friends who don't know me without Jerall in my life; I'll now have friends who don't know me without Keiden.
  • It's just over five months till I turn 30 o_0.
  • I'm using an affirmation of sort, gah. Is this me becoming hippy-dippy?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Keiden

Just a few pictures taken of him by our unofficial official family photographer - Nielen de Klerk.

Look at those eyelashes.



Hi.



Cheesy toes ;)


Thursday, July 17, 2014

It all seems to be

This never ending chase. It feels like we're just chasing after the next milestone. Doing what we can to help him achieve the next thing. It's like a never ending cycle of "What comes next?" First there was the smile, then the moving on to slightly longer stretches of sleeping, then rolling and sitting, and laughter, and solids, and and and. And the one thing that is really supposed to be a big help, and normalise things - or at least remind you that you're not alone, and others wonder the same thing you do - isn't helping.

Suddenly those others parents and their babies have you questioning what you're doing, what your baby is achieving. And it's just so hard not to compare, and not to feel judged. And then you realise that it'll never end. There'll always be something...and that it needs to stop. But how do you make it stop? Not talking to others isn't going to help anybody.

Is this just another form of the constant competition that people find themselves in? It seems to me that we're all always in a form of competition. Conversations seem like areas of one-upmanship: it's either my good day is better, or my bad day is worse, or I'm so busy. Or is this just something that only I see, and I only see it because of insecurity pushing me to see how I'm not worthy because I don't do x?

Clearly I'm still grappling with the Brene Brown talk. Which is also peculating in there with a new blog find - renegade mothering; in particular this and this. Is anything I just said making sense to anyone else; or is it just another stranger thought tangent my mind takes?


On shame

It's another by Brene Brown.


We are numb

A friend has been pushing me to watch this TED talk by Brene Brown. I have no words. Watch it.