Friday, August 28, 2015

Five for Friday: Keiden Edition

Busy monkey leaving a trail of destruction and toys in his wake.
Keiden is in the midst of a language explosion. There are new words everyday [booko, nanana, yummy, tummy, too, you] and he's expanding on things he has been saying for a while now. He went from wuv you to mommy wuv you [the same day he told me that, he said wuv you to a little girl at the park :'( ].

The language explosion has been accompanied with back chat. Before, when I'd tell him to put his toys away he'd say no, or try to cute his way out of it with a love you. This week he's started telling me busy, he's too busy to pack away his toys :0

He seems to be embracing his clown side, pulls funny faces, and does all sorts of things to get a laugh. Sadly for me, this also includes him making all sorts of fart sounds and laughing about it - I blame Jerall, he taught him farts are funny by laughing every time K farted. He also trolls us, at the library he's picked out a teeth brushing book when he wasn't into that, and this week a potty training one :-/.

Potty training is going ok-ish. He's weed in the toilet four times in the past two weeks. A runny tummy derailed the progress. The thing that gets me is he knows he's doing his business, he tells us pipi while doing so, then walks to his room. He's not at all shy to tell anyone and everyone bum - Keiden speak for finished my business, change my nappy.

His independent streak is continuing to grow. He'll run off the other direction to where we're going, hang up laundry, pack way clothes, and 9 times out of 10 happily feed himself using cutlery.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

#Luister



This is such a hard thing to watch.

It makes me wonder to what extent the difference between my conversational Afrikaans and academic Afrikaans impacted on my studies - especially the subjects I failed. During my time there we didn't have translation devices, it meant that often in tests - especially my law subjects - I just wouldn't be able to find the right English term for something, and would use the Afrikaans one. I remember one of my second year Pol Sci lecturers really struggling with Afrikaans, it made T-option painful for everyone because he persisted with one week in English and the other in Afrikaans.

I wonder just how sanitised my Stellenbosch experience was, my interest meant I had more white friends, so I probably got shielded from a lot of stupid remarks. That said there were places in town that I either never went to, or only went to once. Mystic is one of those spots I only went to once, it was so awkward.

I'm so glad I wasn't in res...it seems horrifying.

For all of this, I still made lifelong friends there (here, I am doing post grad studies at Stel next year), got an education I wouldn't have been able to have otherwise...and I just really love this town. It has so many issues, but it does feel as if it'll  change.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Let's chat about: What success means to you?

On her blog today, Jonelle had answers to some questions she'd been given. She ended it with a few questions of her own - 10, of which she asked readers to pick one and answer it in the comments.

The one I chose to answer is something I often ponder about.

What does success mean to you?

It's includes a few things: being able to go to the hairdresser whenever I want. Being able to buy a book or two a month, try a new restaurant occasionally, sign my kid up for any activities he wants, being able to save easily for holidays/trips - mostly it's all things I didn't have growing up, that I want to be able to give myself, and my family.

Also, yesterday on John Maytham's show on Cape Talk, a lady called in in utter distress. She had been unable to work - had been raped, brutally attacked and couldn't walk easily - she was about to be kicked out of her home for not being able to pay that month's rent. He asked her how much it was, she said R 3000, and he said he'd pay it. No if's, but's or hesitation at all. So that's now been added to my definition of success, to just be able to do that for someone.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Currently

It's another one of those, I want to blog, but I'm not sure what I want to write moments. So here's a easy read - and sort-of easy to write one.



Watching:
Avatar: The Last Airbender, it's something we can have on while Keiden is up. When  he's asleep and we're not busy with other things  - like work - Another Period.

Reading:  All the X-Men comics. I've finished the Whedon run on Astonishing X-Men, House of M and it's follow ups, Death of Wolverine and am busy with The Death of Wolverine: Logan Legacy. I also have some library books to get to, but they're not beating down the allure of great art, and fun story lines.

Listening: Nothing new. I am trying to find some podcasts, so any recommendations are welcome.

Doing: A plank a day, it's a challenge on Habitica. Figuring out better meal planning, and working on potty training Keiden. Getting into the swing of Zomato, and rating recent food places. It's been handy in helping us find a place to go to for some coffee and cake next weekend with friends.

Contemplating: Everything and nothing. Mostly wondering when I'll stop feeling so tired. How to best see more friends, more regularly. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Featured blog: Super Busy Mom

I've read about the featured blog series on some other blogs, and figured that it seemed a great way to read some new blogs - and have at least one post already thought of ;). I will be using the same core questions for each blogger, with one super special just for them question.

This month I have Athena from Super Busy Mom.

Athena, holds nothing back, loves Throwback Thursdays and is unashamedly herself. She calls her blog not centred, which I think is a great way to describe blogs that cover more than one interest.

-----------

You call your blog not centred - something I get as mine is very similar - do you think that could change? Do you have something you think could become more of a focus on it?

I don’t think I would be able to focus on my blog on one solid thing. I started this blog because I hardly see my friends and this was a nice way for them to know what was going on with me.

Do you work around a set of rules/thoughts about what you'll share about your little? And yourself?

Nothing is off limits.

What do you need to do to feel like you're ready to start the day?

Coffee. Definitely coffee :)

When exploring new places which is more important for you the sights or the food?

I really don’t go out much but I would say that accessibility is what I look for and I am fairly happy if there is room for my daughter to play or run around

Any travel or food dreams?

To take my daughter to DisneyLand

A book, tv series and game you're currently enjoying.

WOW! I could give you a list, but I would say definitely Game of Thrones, Lucifer and Blindspot; too name a few

Friday, August 14, 2015

Five for Friday

The upright book is called Table Mountain's Holiday, it's from Bumble Books.

I've mentioned my love for The Book Owl before, and it needs to be repeated. This month's box is just amazing. I had been eyeing up those BabyLit board books for Keiden before, so getting one in the box was a great surprise. If you're ever at a loss for a great gift, or just getting books for your little this is the way to go.

For about a week now Keiden has come to us, said bum and walked to his room to go get a nappy change. He gets amendment about it happening now, and when we're out he grabs his bag (which he knows has the nappies in it) and goes to a spot to be changed. So we'll be starting the potty training process. I'm not expecting him to be potty trained quickly, but for me this is more about us listening to him when he says he's uncomfortable. So yes, right now we're going through all the nappies rapidly, but my kid knows his parents listen to him when he says he's unhappy.

I've been accepted into the post grad programme I applied for. So from next year, I'll be a student again. It's the first step of many into becoming Dr Cassey.

I've started on an antidepressant and so far, it's just made me really, really sleepy. So much so that I'v napped with Keiden. But it's early days, and I'm to give it some more time for that effect to pass.

I've noticed a lot of people commenting on other people's outrage. Often the statements are about there's a bigger problem. My issue with that is that it's not an either or situation. And what gives anyone the right to police someone else's thoughts and feelings. It's simple really, don't engage on the matter if it doesn't work for you.


Thursday, August 13, 2015

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Sunday, August 2, 2015

On layers

We're all made up of so many different layers, but the outer one - the one that most people would say is who we are - is the one that shows who we want to be the most.

My outer layer is precisely that. It is who I want to be more often than not: generally cheerful, caring, thoughtful, smart, appreciative and worthy. Worthy of so much, but mostly just worthy of people's time and attention. And that is the snag in my outer layer, the gap where everything I push down and brick away comes pushing in.

My other layers are dark and ugly. It is the voice that always reminds me I am less than, I am not worthy of anyone's time or attention. That I am mean, ugly, judgemental, stupid and so very selfish. The sad thing is that voice mostly sounds like my mother. The sadder thing is I only manage to push it away and brick it up when there is overwhelming evidence to counter that voice. Hearing that voice is and has been my normal for as long as I can remember. 

And lately that voice has been all I hear. Everything is tainted. All I do is not good enough. All I am is less than. I am not worthy of anyone's time or attention. 

I am failing at being a mother. 

I am failing at being an adult. 

I am failing. 

I am less than.

After reading posts by Cath and Sharon, I realised that the voice had gone from being the tiny constant soundtrack it had always been to this large massive roar. And maybe I should do something about it. Even then I resisted, my voice, my state of being is so much less than all the other people I know of who have that D word. I mean I get up, I don't  stay in bed, I do what must be done. So surely I'm just being - as I'd been told often while growing up - a drama queen, and making something much bigger than it is.

It finally hit home for me that I should do something when we had two weeks of glorious sunny winter weather, and not once did I take Keiden to the park. We only left the house to go downstairs to the shop to get something to add to lunch, but mostly for me to get something sweet. I had really and truly failed as a mother.

It is my greatest fear that I will become my mother. That I will hurt my son the way I was hurt. That my actions, but more my words, will make him feel less than. And there I was not doing something that was as easy as taking a ten minute walk, so he could play somewhere that wasn't just home.

So something was done. Mandy got me some names, I looked at them on this site and saw someone. And all along she, Cath, Sharon and Lisa have all assured me that I'm not being a drama queen, and that this was the right thing to do.

And this is the part where I tell you, I have moderate levels of anxiety and have severe clinical depression. That medication is recommended. That therapy is hard, and brings up so much I'd much rather push down and away...and my capacity to push it away is now gone. That even though I've been told this, and there is evidence that I'm not just being a drama queen...I can't shake the less than feeling.

My depression doesn't look like what I've seen in others. I don't just stay in bed; I get up, I look after my child, we play games, read stories, I do chores, I work. So how can it be that bad? 

And then I remember that the games we play let me sit, sometimes I just can't get the chores done...and I eat. I eat so much, and I don't need to eat all the time. But I see my hand reaching out, picking up a cookie or a chocolate or something and then that something is gone. And then there's another in my hand. And so it goes on. And when I'm not eating, and I can, I bury myself in a series or a game or reading.

So, maybe there is something to it. 

Why share this? When others shared it helped me see things a bit more clearly, and maybe this can help someone else see things a bit more clearly. And it's also something tangible to refer to when the voice tells me I'm blowing things out of proportion.